By Nancy Hayes-Gary,Psy.D.
No matter why you choose to go to therapy, there are some things that almost everyone can benefit from working on and learning. That’s why self-help books are so popular. However as simple as the things I am going to discuss may sound, they usually require hard work and some assistance and support along the way. While the below issues may seem like “common sense”, I find that they generally improve the quality of a person’s life, relationships, and self-esteem/confidence.
So, here goes—my 5 universally helpful therapeutic areas of focus:
1. Learn to empathize with yourself like you would probably do with your best friend. Self-empathy means that you treat yourself with respect and kindness. Especially when things go wrong, or you make a mistake, the dialog in your head should go like this – “I may have messed up but I am still a good, competent person”, or “Things may not be good right now, but I believe in myself in that I am able to change and make them better”. This kind of self talk is quite different from the kind that often runs through one’s head, such as “What’s wrong with me. I always mess up; I must be stupid” or “Don’t bother trying to fix these problems as I’ll probably fail anyway”. Internal dialog may have been conditioned from childhood, if your parents were critical or perfectionistic, or originate from negative experiences or trauma throughout your life, but it is changeable in therapy. First, you need to recognize any automatic negative thought processes you may have, then move on to create more empathic, affirming ones. A patient of mine once put the positive thoughts she was trying to learn on index cards, and carried them around with her, taking them out every so often to rehearse. It really works! Wouldn’t you like to regard yourself more positively, and have helpful, supportive thoughts when things get rough?
2. Give up the habit of investing in what others think of you. You can’t control this anyway, and people often find when they try to be “people pleasers” they lose the sense of their real selves. Worry about what others think tends to shut people down, make them avoidant of vulnerable or creative, authentic expressions, or maybe avoidant of social situations in general. “Mind-reading” is one of the negative habits that prevent people from reaching out, making new friends, or more fully expressing themselves at home or work. Maybe you have a whole negative litany of what you think people think of you, but this usually stems from your own insecurities about yourself rather than how others accurately perceive you. If you like yourself, then it really doesn’t matter what others think, does it? Of course, we all want those we’re close to to think positively of us, but because they are close to you, they probably already like you “warts and all”, with your strengths, and weaknesses. Someone once said “Be yourself; everyone else out there is taken anyway.”
3. Strive to get rid of perfectionism, as this kind of lifestyle leads to frustration, anxiety, and even depression. No one is perfect, of course, and striving for this can leave a person feeling that nothing they do is ever good enough. Brene Brown,Ph.D., a shame and vulnerability researcher, states that we live in a society based on “scarcity” in which nothing is enough—we’re never thin, smart, successful or popular enough. She advised that we must figure out a way to view ourselves as “enough” in order to be able to be genuine, confident, and vulnerable. Ask your friends and family why they love you, then ask yourself why you don’t believe all those great things about you are true. Perfectionism is a defense against worthlessness, so instead of driving yourself nuts, address instead those things you don’t like about yourself in order to see yourself as “enough”.
4. Value and nurture your close relationships. If you don’t have enough or even any of these, therapy can help you figure out why this is the case. Relationships take hard work and investment; they don’t just happen. I see a number of marital couples who don’t spend 20 minutes a week in significant, feeling-level conversation, or in discussions about their marriages. It’s no wonder partners are unhappy or unsatisfied. When was the last time you told your close family or friends why you admire, respect, or love them? Can you ask for help and emotional support from those in your life? Conflict avoidance can also inflict distance in a relationship, as positively resolving conflicts is one of the ways we become closer. Finally, as Dr. Brene Brown points out, close relationships require vulnerability, which some people misunderstand as weak, or overly risky. Those close to us are a gift to be cherished, not taken for granted.
5. Learn effective communication skills, such as reflective listening. If you want others to really hear you, work on saying what you want directly. This may include the difficult task of saying “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me”. Saying no to others is a problem many people in therapy express. Making “I” statements helps others hear you as owning your feelings and behaviors. I always give people the following formula for self expression: “I feel __________(feeling word) when you ____________(specific behavior someone does that hurts or annoys you), and I would like _____________(specific behavioral change desired). We can’t communicate much clearer than that. Reflective, empathic listening is an active skill worth acquiring. You can Google it and get some great examples, but basically the purpose of hearing and repeating back what others say is to convey an accurate understanding of others thoughts and feelings. Learning to use open ended questions is also a way to communicate more deeply and effectively with others. Examples of these are “How does that make you feel?” “Can you tell me more about that?”, and “What do you need about that/plan to do, etc.?” We become closer to others by communicating in the above ways and maybe influence others to want to listen closely to us too. Men that I work with in therapy, in particular, often have never been trained in reflective listening and open ended questions, usually finding these quite helpful in their relationships.
There are certainly many more than 5 of these beneficial lessons from psychotherapy. They just came to mind as areas that I work on with nearly everyone. They also, I think, illustrate just how helpful the therapy process can be in changing the way you feel about yourself and relate to others
